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College and Dating

Well I think I’ve figured out my way to go to college in the spring (If I can work everything out). I’m going to head back to Kilgore from TJC and live on campus. I can finish up this spring and go one more year. I’ll transfer after spring of 2011. So I won’t be finished with college till after I’m 30. Oh well. I still just want to finish and I know the general area for my degree. I just have to find something I love and do that. Which I do love plants, the smell of garden soil, and reading Mother Earth News. MEN (Mother Earth News) is my holy book (magazine). I am reading some issues from the 80’s and 70’s my mom has. I love MEN (Guys and Mother Earth News) so much. I don’t know what I would be reading if it wasn’t here. Maybe I can get a job with MEN. That would be fun and I think my mother and grandfather would go crazy, lol. I have some different ideas for MEN. Covering Eco-Villages across Canada and the U.S. would be awesome. Depending on how many there are could take up to 2 years or more. Quite bad if I was having a relationship, but fun for me. I guess this is a good transition to start talking about dating. I just feel like dating anyone right now. I love romance and relationships. I think my longest relationship has been 4 months. Guys I dated are idiots. I haven’t met the guy yet and I haven’t met a guy I really clicked with. I want to like someone I get to know really well and I haven’t been able to get to know anyone. I’m not super worried about any of this. I think for the first time I don’t give a fuck about dating ever again. I am happy with everything else besides the daily stress of bills and drama at home. I’m sure one day, one lifetime I will find the guy right for me. I would even date an alien. I’m really open minded about different people. It would not matter if the guy was blind, paralyzed, or deaf. Why should any of those things matter when it comes to love? Well I should be cleaning my room. I might find a boyfriend under the clothes on my bed. Everyone have a good weekend!
So work last night really sucked. Well it was ok till the last ten minutes. I was trying to make $40 to pay the water bill, but I’ll get to that later. So ten minutes before we close walk in the customers from Hell!!! Well they weren’t horrible except they stayed till 9:30 or after. We close at 9 and they did not leave me a fucking tip! How totally rude is that. Our hours are clearly posted and we were cleaning up. Another thing was that they are rich. How is it that poor people tip and rich people leave nothing. Well here are some basic rules when you go out to eat.
Waiters and Waitresses only work on tips, so tip their ass! How do you think our bills are you going to be paid if you don’t tip. We can all get different jobs if the economy was better, but who would serve your damn food. Just because its Sunday doesn’t mean you can’t tip. If you have to pay for extra gravy then you should still tip your waiter. Its not our fault that the owners charge extra. This isn’t your kitchen and most of us work our ass off for tips. Just because I’m a man doesn’t mean I should get any less tips than the waitresses. If show up in a bad mood and slam your dishes then I will only bring your food to you. You will be ignored the rest of your visit. Why waste my time on someone who looks like they won’t tip when I can spend extra time on someone else. If you say anything racist, homophobic, xenophobic, and ect. Then I will ignore you on your visit. Also I only made $18 last night btw!
So I just got finished reading the Rolling Stone article with Adam Lambert. I shed some tears. I see some of myself in him; however, he has more courage than I do. I really can’t wait for his CD to drop. He was a hot guy on idol who was a bit different. He is so much more now. He took steps I didn’t, but I’m a different person now. I am not better or worse, but more of who I truly am. I hope all the best for him. I also wonder what his Zodiac sign is? He also lost his virginity at 21! I thought I was a pretty nerdy for losing mine so late at 19. Now I wish I was still a virgin. I never have found the right guy yet. I remember my first time. It was not good. It hurt so much and I had tears following down my cheeks. I kept trying a position where it would feel better, but wanted to do just one. Which has turned out to be my favorite, lol. He just did not have respect for me and I slept with a few other guys who did not either. I just need to make a guy wait a good amount of time before we sleep together. I need to make sure we both respect each other.
So the latest troubles at home are like a three headed dragon. Cut off one and two more surface. Josh and Mother had a falling out when he moved the rest of his stuff out. Cassie was crying like crazy and Josh was cussing up a storm. (Cassie is Josh’s wife and Josh is my younger brother) It was not a good day and I just felt like my heart was ripped out when they left. Just how things ended was all wrong. Mother and Joanna (Joanna is my pregnant sister whose husband left her. He is an idiot.) are not working right now. So I’m the only one working and tips are not good enough to support us. Mother got laid off after the restaurant she was working at got shut down. So all the bills are due, the house payment is two months behind, the heating element went out on the dryer, the car is on its last leg and our window unit in the living room has stopped cooling that part of the trailer. Can we be more screwed? The only good thing is the clothesline I bought today. We can save energy, money and help the environment.
So school starts in the fall and I can’t wait. I am scared though. This is Hannah’s last semester, so I will have to find a new way to school in the spring. Maybe living on campus? KC or TJC?
The future is so clouded right now, but my life is a maze. There may never been an end, but there will always be knowledge, growth and I hope happiness.
For one last little note…… Unless you are Jay & Bry, Hannah, my Mother, Nele & Becky, Camille, or Jay’s Momma then you should tip me if I ever wait on you. I don’t care if we worked together before. I’m trying to make a living and you should respect that. I can understand if you are poor like me, then just a dollar will do. I hope one person will read this and understand this is my job. Just because we are friends doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tip me. Those people listed above can go with out tipping me, but I know they will if they can. Those are my close friends I can trust and can get by with not tipping me. So my female friend from Wal-Mart, it is not wrong to tip. Maybe I should just make a sex tape and see if I can score 50 cents for it, lol.
I hoped ya’ll enjoyed the latest pics of me. I tried the Adam Lambert look. My nails looked like shit when I painted them and my mom had to do the eyeliner, lol. Makeup is not for me. Hope you enjoyed reading this and everyone have a good weekend. Also be sure to check out my new pics going up. I figured its time to let the world see me in drag. My first gay Halloween in Austin, Texas and only time I will ever do drag. I had so much fun in Austin.
Gay: I fall in love with men, but being gay isn’t all who I am.
Wiccan: It is where I feel most at home with the God & Goddess.
Vegetarian: A choice that I’ve made to make a difference.
What are the trials of life? What you see as your struggles and the struggles of others are the trials of life. These are natural on your pathway of life. If you a chose a different path then you would have different trials or similar ones. They can not be avoided, but should be met head on. Lets say I have cancer(My great grandmother did), that I am in a burning building, or facing a few people who want to kill me because I’m gay. These are a few trials of life and I may not survive any one of them. I will still fight to the death, but at the same time I would not be afraid to die. Death is death. It is the ending of this life and the beginning transition into the next. I’m not sure why I wrote this, but it all sounded a lot better in the car yesterday.
I picked up the new Star Trek book which is based on the motion picture. I think I’ll wait to read it after I’ve seen the movie. I always don’t like the movies if I read the book first. I also ordered a new book called The Craft by Dorothy Morrison. Thanks to D.H. I’ve only had time to read the first few pages, but I can’t wait to read the rest of it. I want to finish one book first, but I’m glad to have plenty of time to read with summer here.
I’m going to list a few books that I own here.
Star Trek, The Craft: A Witches Book Of Shadows, The Vegetarian Cookbook, Vegan Planet, Hippie, Lord Of The Rings, Living Wicca, Drawing Down The Moon, The Long Walk, Salem’s Lot, Pumpkin Lovers Cookbook, The Ruins, The Codex, The Handy Science Answer Book, The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need, The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Understanding Buddhism, The Complete Book Of Dreams, Mythology Of The American Nations, Fondue, and The Complete Idiots Guide To Psychic Awareness(A Pocket Guide)

Dreams and Ghosts

The dream came again tonight. I’m not sure when the last time I had dreamed it, but I don’t know if we made it out alive last time? I know it was out in the country in old L-shaped prairie home, and far enough away that you could run for hours before you found anyone to help. I’m not sure who wanted to go to this B&B; however, I’m guessing Hannah wanted to check it out for whenever Brian came for his next visit. Always so thoughtful, but she was not the smart Hannah in this dream. I knew something was wrong with this place when we pulled up. We got out and there were enough cars to start a small dealership. Half of them probably didn’t work, so why were they still here? This is where things get a little fuzzy. I remember the inside is like a ranch style home dominated by cattle horns and mud walls. We are in our room unpacking, Hannah, a girl from Hannah’s school, and I. ~I’m still dreaming at this point and I remember my first dream I had of this place. ~ I guess I had like a vision in my dream of my last dream. I remember an earthen stairway with dirt walls. In my last dream I started my descent when screams of pain, helplessness, and death fell on my human ears. The room comes back into focus with Hannah and her friend still unpacking. I freak out and demand that we leave. They listen to me (something the real Hannah may not have done), but are taking their sweet time. I didn’t tell them the reason knowing how crazy I would sound. My heart is racing and we make it to the front desk. I slam our room key down and explain that I have a family emergency back home. The girl gives me a look of disgust mingled with the look of hunger on her face. A curt nod and “ok” as I’m already out the side door. I pick up my speed as I see the cars about 30 feet away. I turn to let Hannah and her friend know what is really going on and they have seemed to disappear. I gave a closer look to the surroundings I just left and see them making sandwiches at some food table by the pool. Two guys are staring them down as they laugh and make sandwiches. Oblivious to the danger, I yell and motion Hannah to come on. We make it to cars and I hop in the passenger seat. One of the guys from the pool was there, He wouldn’t stand out as a bouncer for a hip hop club, flirting and chatting. Hannah was in the car, but her friend stopped climbing in to talk to this guy. He made a lunge and grabbed her. She grabbed the car and screamed. We tried to pull her in, but he was much stronger and his friends appeared to help. Hannah’s friend was yanked free of the car. I slammed Hannah’s door and told her to step on the gas or I did. Hannah was crying saying we have to go back for her friend. I knew if we did then our screams would be coming from below the earth. It was too late for her friend and my main focus was to protect Hannah. I told her that if we stayed then we were going to be devoured alive. They hungered for our flesh, blood, and bones. They were Vampires. I’m not sure how long after this next part took place. Maybe 6 months or so as I was sharing a dorm room with my friend Chop. I just finished my class on Electricity and Horticulture. I walked into our room and found Chop playing video games. Some friend was with him and I got closer to take a look. The guy who looked like a bouncer was sitting there. They didn’t turn around. I grabbed a towel and yelled to Chop I was going to take a shower. I ditched my towel outside the door and sprinted for the elevator. I knew he was coming for me and I had to get to Hannah first.
- This is the point I woke up and realized it was raining. LOL, Guess I’ll close my window next time before I go to sleep.

I just remember something that happened in Austin, Texas. I lived there right after high school and I mean right after. I graduated and the next day I was gone to Austin. My cousin took me to this organization called OutYouth which was located in this old house. OutYouth was a place for GLBT kids who range in age from 12 to 19 could hang out without fear. I ended up hanging out there for like 3 months. There was this one upstairs room that was like a library/office. I enjoy reading, so I loved to look at the books. I never felt too comfortable up there by myself. I always had this weird feeling that I couldn’t figure it out. Halloween was right around the corner and I was headed back to East Texas in a week. This was a few months later and I came to love being at OutYouth. Anyways Halloween was around the corner and OutYouth decided to have a sleep over. I was super happy at the idea of getting to hang out with everyone for more than just a few hours. We watched a few scary movies that were pretty dumb. I finally got tired of it and went to the kitchen to get something to eat. I knew a few kids were upstairs reading scary stories. So I headed up to the library to see what they were doing. ~Could you tell I was a loner even among the GLBT kids, lol? ~ They were reading from some book of British scary stories. It was about some giant human rabbit and I was getting bored. All of a sudden I felt really scared. I had tears come to my eyes and I asked them to stop. I had no idea what was wrong. Then this other guy busts out and says I feel it too. I’m more in shock like what the hell is going on. From what I figured out is that we felt something. We walked around the room. There were cold spots, but it was like cold inside of you. That’s how it felt to me. This guy had strong feelings. Strong emotional feelings like anger, fear, and sadness. There were two horrible spots in the room that I only would stand in once. One was in front of the window. I had this feeling that a man was outside watching the house. I didn’t see any man, but I had this feeling like there was one. The other spot was inside this closet. I wouldn’t let them shut the door with me in there. My whole body was shaking and it was cold in the closet. Everyone in the room could feel the coldness when they were in the closet. We went downstairs and got other kids to come upstairs with us. We just told them we wanted to scare someone and for them to hide in the closet. They wouldn’t stay in there and soon everyone found out about what we felt. About 10-12 of use could feel at least the coldness of the closet. We asked the directors of OutYouth if someone died in the house. They said that they weren’t going to talk about it. The next morning though we talked more to the directors and looked up some information. They told us they had problems with one or two pictures flying off the walls and that was it. They said that someone was murdered, but would not go into detail. Most we found on the internet that two girls were killed there but I believe it was back in the 70’s and they never caught the person who did it. It was really weird for me at the time. I would still be scared if that happened today, but I don’t think I ever want to be alone in that room again.

Summer Fun

Well the summer is off to a good start. I got my grades back and found out I made a 3.5 GPA this last semester. I am super happy. I also got signed up my classes in the fall. I ordered two new books online. Both by Dorothy Morrison who I found out about from a MySpace friend, but then I remember my friend's last name is Morrison. I asked him about her, but he doesn't think he is related. I am just sitting in the heat right now going through web pages looking for scholarships, but they all want you to sign up for these online schools. I hope I get more on my pell grant than last year, so I can pay for my books. Well I am about to take a nice walk and go take a short nap before the stunning results of American Idol!

Finals Are Almost Over!!!!

Well I wrote this early this morning……
Another day, Another Final …………… Or is there? I finished my final speech last week, so now I just have a math final tomorrow. So now it’s just studying for my math final and reading a book on paganism or witchcraft. I lifted a few dumbbell weights and went running. I am tired, sweaty, hot, but I’ll feel better the rest of the day. I am not some gym bunny, but I figured I better start getting in shape. If I’m going to be in the Horticulture business lifting heavy bags of manure and soil, then I better build some muscles. I really want to own my own plant shop selling exotic houseplants. I would have to be very careful though and make sure the rainforests are being stripped to sell these plants. I’m all about conservation. So I got a few ideas. Anyways, my computer battery is about to die, so I am going to hit the shower and get ready for school.
__________________
1:36 PM
So I just finished my speech class and I only have a math final tomorrow. My friend who is in the class said he made a 92 on the math test. He said you just have to know how to work the problems and you’ll pass. I’ll be studying so hard tonight because I really want to make an A. Hopefully I’ll pass the class and won’t have to take it again. I just need to take College Algebra after this. I can’t wait to be done with all these math classes. Please let me pass. I guess I’ll say little spell to aid me in my studying tonight.

Winds are Changing.....

The winds are changing as I'm letting go. Gusts blowing me in the direction that I feel so happy. ....

Well that may suck, but it came to my mind. I'm still in Gilmer, but things aren't bad. I still don't want to live here or Texas, but I'm happy still. School is going totally great and this is finals week. Work is ok, but people in Gilmer still don't know how to tip. Also the other day this big Baptist group came in and I had to wait on them. I love how people ignore you when you want to know if they want anything else. Also they were making comments about one family who came in when one waitress was by the table. They were saying if the family had ever heard of a diet before. That was pretty rude and I was not too surprised by this group. Oh well, I would have much rather wait on the plus size people than the church group. Next time I’ll grab that family if they come in. They were really nice and the lady had this awesome yellow dress on which was really cool. I’m quite bored and wish I remember to bring a book with me like Raymond Buckland’s Guide To Witchcraft. Maybe they have some EBooks on Witchcraft here at the library. Hope everyone has a good day.

Summer is coming.....

School is almost out and I won't be on the internet that much now. Just wanted to say bye to everyone. Another summer in Gilmer, Texas. How will I survive it?

A List, Movies, Vampire Novels?!?!?

If you had an ‘A’ list, who would be on it?
My ‘A’ List – Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Mary-Louise Parker, Christina Ricci, Shawn Ashmore, Natalie Portman, Jessica Lucas, Jena Malone, Sarah Roemer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Fairuza Balk, Kristen Stewart(Pre-Twilight I was a fan), Rachel True, Zoe Saldana, Chris Pine, Queen Latifah, Seth Rogan and Jonathan Tucker(I’ve only seen him in one movie).

12 Movies That Rock!!!
Identity, American Beauty, The Virgin Suicides, The Ruins, The Island, Get Real, V For Vendetta, The Zodiac(2007), Into The Wild, Disturbia, Flight Of The Navigator, and The Craft.

Vampires, Witches, and Werewolves; Oh Shit!
Well I picked up the newest(Well new to me) Vampire book called Night World. It came out in 1996. About 9 years before Twilight, but it seems a lot like Twilight. I think the Stephanie Meyer probably got the idea of Twilight from these books. Too many things are to close to just happen that way. Is Twilight ripping off Night World(I think it really is, but accident or on purpose?)? Can Twilight avoid the pitfalls of this latest scandal and will Midnight Sun ever hit store shelves?
Who I used to be was a boy with hopes and dreams.
Who I am is a man in transition.
Who I will be is the man that acknowledges the peace within his self and seeks to help others find the same.

I was a kid with no real grasp on the world. I knew things, but not even my nightmares contained the true reality. I still to this minute am ignorant to many things. I want to change that, yet I will never know everything. I understand and accept the limits of this human life. Who says though I can’t push the limits and try to break free? No one. I must keep the darkness of humanity at bay within myself and help show others the light. We all have internal struggles within ourselves, nature and society. My life could be much worse or a lot better. No matter the point in it; I must reach out to help others. I’ve endured my father’s suicide and it scared me. His death no longer haunts me and I will not let my life be controlled by it. I am free. Another change to my college major, lol. My heart has healed and I need to return the right path. I still will understand great trials in life, but the time for hiding has gone. I want to jump up and scream, cry, and hug everyone I see. I am free, my heart soars, tears shine on my cheeks, and happiness fills every part of Who I Am and Who I Will Be.